Saturday, February 5, 2011

Grief and Loss: A Foster Family's Perspective

When Dean and I first felt God calling us to foster, we didn’t know anything about hurting children or broken families. Families in our circle were composed of moms and dads with their cherished children, intact families living the American dream. I didn’t even know anyone that had ever been involved with child services, much less a child without parental care or a family struggling to regain custody of their children. When we first felt the call, we were signed up to find the perfect little baby girl to fill a gaping, hurting hole ripped in our hearts by a lost baby.

As soon as our foster home was approved, a little girl was placed in our home. Having been trained well, we knew the “on paper” version of what to expect, but what we did not expect was the heart-wrenching feelings of grief and loss that came along with the joy of fostering God’s precious children. Over the past 10 years as foster parents, we have learned the true meaning of casting our cares on the Lord and how to cope with the grief and loss that was once debilitating for us as a family.

One of the first encounters with grief and loss that we experienced came, not when the child was moved from our home, but when she arrived. When our foster children first came to our home, they were brought to us grieving another foster family or even a terrible home situation. They’ve lost loved ones and everything they know and understand. When you realize what it is that the child you have welcomed into your family has lost and how their hearts are grieving, the grief process begins in your own heart. For us, in the beginning, we were not equipped for this. We had been told about it, but the reality was that the grief and loss of our foster daughter had a stronger-than-expected impact on all of us. It was so hard to experience this grief and not know what to do with it. Over time, though, we began to reach out to other foster parents and our case manager, and we learned to cope.

We were doing really well, too, until the day came for that sweet child to leave. We knew it was coming. We had months to prepare. We told ourselves everything would be okay, but once the day arrived our hearts were broken. I remember feeling overwhelmingly sad. There were times when we were angry, and we had to work hard to not let our anger turn to bitterness. There were days when I thought the feelings of sadness and anger would never go away.

As we allowed God to draw us to himself for comfort and restoration, we began to feel our grief softening. We prayed and studied scripture even more than before. We spent time with other foster families and strengthened those relationships. It wasn’t long before our hearts were feeling stronger, and we just knew it would be easier the next time we were faced with those feelings.

We were wrong. It didn’t get easier. We loved that baby for over a year and our hearts were ripped out of our chests on the day he had to leave. We were tempted to quit fostering. We were only signing up for more heartache, right? I’m so glad we didn’t quit, though, because God was at work in our lives when we didn’t even know it. After that second loss, God began to reveal to us what he wanted us to do with our grief and our loss. We began casting our cares onto Him more faithfully, and He began to turn the work we were doing for him into the work He was doing in us and in the children’s lives we were touching. God began showing us that he is the ultimate healer, protector and provider, that it is in HIM [not us] the orphan finds mercy...In you the orphan finds mercy, Hosea 14:3...It was at this point that the feelings of sadness, while still there, were no longer overwhelming. It was at that point that we knew the most important thing we could share with these children would be that they would find mercy in Him...The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit, Psalm 34:18...We still grieved for children that we loved and had to let go. We still grieved the losses that the children we met had to cope with. We still had to deal with the sadness that the absence of a precious child brought to us. God just equipped us to cope, and in Him our hearts rested.

During our 10 years as foster parents, we fostered and grieved the loss of over 20 children. We were blessed with three children through adoption during this time, as well. Looking back, it is amazing to realize the ways in which God equipped us to love these precious children as Jesus love them, even through the grief that comes with being a foster parent. While grief is certainly an issue that foster parents must learn to cope with, it is by far overshadowed by the joy that comes from loving the precious children God brings into your home and the comfort that only He can provide – both for these children and for the families that love them while they are in foster care.

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